Austin winter deepens

As winter in Austin drags on into its second day, desperate residents are driven from their homes by madness and hunger, only to discover supermarket shelves stripped bare of the only things that make life worth living: diet Coke, dark chocolate, cheap beer, and cigarettes. Commerce could take notes on what is left to study the American consumer’s deepest psyche: Carrots, sodas without caffeine, marmalade, low-carb bread, French wines, O Magazine. With temperatures plunging to the low 30's, day after day, despair sets in: how much longer can this madness go on? Some blame the Department of Homeland Security, but most of us just wish Al Gore had kept his big mouth shut.