Some reflections on holiday shopping
There seems to be a manic anxiety that sets in around holiday shopping. It's a complex undertaking that foregrounds family dynamics, psychological systems, cultural expectations, and commercial exploitation. Compared with other cultures, we are crude and unskilled in the simple acts of giving and receiving. We use the exchange of gifts to play out melodramas of identity, relationship, forgiveness, suggestion, instruction, healing, and sacrifice. We often give out of a need for ego gratification and receive out of a sense of appeasement or disappointment. The exchange of gifts can mediate tensions or escalate conflicts. In some families the dynamic is for gifts, no matter how appropriate, to be returned for something different after the holidays, playing out a profound dissatisfaction that perpetuates itself with each new generation. In others, each gift, no matter how ugly, ill-fitting, or unsuitable, is met with appreciation and gratitude.
In my view, this whole process is an excellent mindfulness practice. It begins for me, with reflections on the relationship, and the person I'm shopping for. Here I draw on my memories of what I have observed in our times together, what I know about the person's interests and enthusiasms, what might surprise or delight. I think about their aspirations, secret dreams, their unmet passions. It is a pleasure to recall these dimensions of our relationship. Sometimes I draw a little concept map of their interests to brainstorm. If they are anxious or troubled, if there has been some conflict in our relationship, I focus on gifts that will calm and reassure. If they are stressed, overworked, rushed, I look for ways to provide a moment of relaxation and pleasure. Quite often I tend to look for books that will stimulate or energize, that open new doors of the mind. Still, I try not to be didactic or pedantic, even though my profession is teaching. Gift exchanges are not the place for that. I prefer gifts that connect with creative energies: art supplies, music, tickets to performances. I avoid gifts that suggest needed improvements in someone: sets of dumbbells, diet books, self-help manuals. There's more than enough of that mentality being pushed in the marketplace already. As a Buddhist, I try to avoid gifts that exacerbate unhealthy motives: meat or alcohol, for example, although I admit I have been weaker around exotic chocolates. I also avoid proselytizing by gift, but I will provide an appropriate Zen book for someone who seems to be searching.
Many people imagine that a Buddhist must be opposed to the materialism of the holidays and gift exchanges, projecting the common misunderstanding of Zen practice as ascetic minimalism. I love the festive spirit, bright lights, the bustle and spirit of the holidays. I am very glad that in this self-indulgent culture there is one day a year specifically set aside to think of the happiness and well-being of others. I am sorry that it is often used to aggravate tensions and stress, escalate conflicts, overextend resources, exacerbate loneliness and isolation. Our way is the middle way. Can we bring gladness and cheer where others are troubled or sad? Can we offer and receive modest gifts with love and gratitude? Can we enjoy moments that are quiet and bright as well as those that are crackling with energy? Can we share our deepest thoughts and profound connectedness with each other? Can we return to reverence and awe for the sweet mystery of this greatest gift of all, the life of a human being on planet earth? Can we recognize, at last, our deep interdependence with all beings? And can we look ahead to a year in which we follow with passion the path of our heartfelt aspirations, moving always toward deeper wisdom and compassion? Then I wish you the most joyful holidays.
In my view, this whole process is an excellent mindfulness practice. It begins for me, with reflections on the relationship, and the person I'm shopping for. Here I draw on my memories of what I have observed in our times together, what I know about the person's interests and enthusiasms, what might surprise or delight. I think about their aspirations, secret dreams, their unmet passions. It is a pleasure to recall these dimensions of our relationship. Sometimes I draw a little concept map of their interests to brainstorm. If they are anxious or troubled, if there has been some conflict in our relationship, I focus on gifts that will calm and reassure. If they are stressed, overworked, rushed, I look for ways to provide a moment of relaxation and pleasure. Quite often I tend to look for books that will stimulate or energize, that open new doors of the mind. Still, I try not to be didactic or pedantic, even though my profession is teaching. Gift exchanges are not the place for that. I prefer gifts that connect with creative energies: art supplies, music, tickets to performances. I avoid gifts that suggest needed improvements in someone: sets of dumbbells, diet books, self-help manuals. There's more than enough of that mentality being pushed in the marketplace already. As a Buddhist, I try to avoid gifts that exacerbate unhealthy motives: meat or alcohol, for example, although I admit I have been weaker around exotic chocolates. I also avoid proselytizing by gift, but I will provide an appropriate Zen book for someone who seems to be searching.
Many people imagine that a Buddhist must be opposed to the materialism of the holidays and gift exchanges, projecting the common misunderstanding of Zen practice as ascetic minimalism. I love the festive spirit, bright lights, the bustle and spirit of the holidays. I am very glad that in this self-indulgent culture there is one day a year specifically set aside to think of the happiness and well-being of others. I am sorry that it is often used to aggravate tensions and stress, escalate conflicts, overextend resources, exacerbate loneliness and isolation. Our way is the middle way. Can we bring gladness and cheer where others are troubled or sad? Can we offer and receive modest gifts with love and gratitude? Can we enjoy moments that are quiet and bright as well as those that are crackling with energy? Can we share our deepest thoughts and profound connectedness with each other? Can we return to reverence and awe for the sweet mystery of this greatest gift of all, the life of a human being on planet earth? Can we recognize, at last, our deep interdependence with all beings? And can we look ahead to a year in which we follow with passion the path of our heartfelt aspirations, moving always toward deeper wisdom and compassion? Then I wish you the most joyful holidays.
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